This statement is for those who feel that they have not represented themselves in the past in a way the reflects who they should or could be, but have found the strength to do everything in their power to become and be who they truly are in the present and in the future. This is for anyone who cannot find their own words to express their sincere desire to change, anyone with problems and anyone who needs a little help sometimes. To cast judgment on a person beyond the present, in either direction, is to make a fool of the judge. If someone has the power to become a better person and has decided to change, yet others continue to treat them as if they are a failure and a lesser person and cannot forgive or forget past mistakes, that person will have a much more difficult time making changes. Do unto others… this includes forgiveness.

I have conceived of this message in many forms. This, here and now, is the telling truth. This is the message’s final form. I say that possessively, rather than stating that the form is a property of the message, for a simple reason. By the time that I am finished, this message will be living and able to possess… I hope.

Hope, that’s the only word left in my vocabulary that has not been exhausted beyond its reasonable value. Hope, to me, is of the utmost value and importance.

This message brings with it many questions and I do not offer it to you lightly. This is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do and I only ask for your compassion as another person in the world. I ask this of another person who most likely has problems of his or her own. Of another person who was surely lost at one point in their own life and who may still be trying to find their way. I ask this of another person.

I sit here this afternoon sipping on a cup of black coffee, something I’ve never been bold enough to drink for practical reasons. These days I need something stronger. I know that you probably don’t believe that you know me too well at all, that you’ve only had brief moments of counter existence with me, but we are so very much more connected than you could ever imagine. Of course, I don’t want to digress into the synchronicity of life and the “oneness” of reality or anything that deep today. No, today I just want to talk about me. I want to be selfish, but sharing all at the same time. I suppose that’s our problem in the world. We are all so self-concerned. We think so much about ourselves that we disregard the eventuality of the impact of our decisions on others’ lives. Each and every one of us is directly concerned with our own well being before others’. In this world we have one person who is completely dedicated to us, ourselves. I stand firm in my belief that if we all were concerned with everyone else’s well being equally or more than our own, then we would each have six billion plus people looking out for us, rather than just one, sole, individual. I’d prefer being able to depend on six billion people to just me, but… that is not the way of things. All we can hope is that our impact on the people whom we can affect and empower is positive and will garner their respect and gratitude.

I don’t believe that I’ve done nearly enough in my life to garner your respect, although I believe that my character precedes me, and that given the right circumstance I would instantly be able to do so by the pure nature of my empathetic vulnerabilities (which have so eaten away at me over time). For the layperson: I would fight for you, lie for you, cry for and stand up for you via my own sacrifice. I would stand in the face and horror of the onslaught of the apocalypse itself if I knew that you would return that favor. At first that may seem very capitalistic, the idea that I would only trade loyalty and respect with you for the same equal portions of it in return, however, that is not the way of it. I simply mean that I would do this from my heart, because I feel that you would do the same. I feel that the goodness of your heart (and all hearts) is such that we can change completely in a moment’s notice in the face of terror, in the face of love and in the face of enlightenment and joy. I have changed and this is the only thing that I am certain of.

We are very scared. I am very scared. I have exhausted my faith in human kind and I have grasped out desperately at the very ankle of society only to be shaken off as an inconvenient annoyance. Yet, still I crawl back, scraping at the ankle again in desperation and in hope. I simultaneously represent the two most polar opposites of man’s condition. We are scared of the world, we are scared to say words like love and God, for the fear that others will think that we are weak or strange. We are scared that others will misinterpret, that we won’t have a chance to explain. Those who don’t believe will be scared that others will think that they do. Those who do believe will be scared that others will think that they don’t. Those who are in love are scared that the other is not. Those who are not in love are scared that the other is. Those without problems are scared that others will cause them. Those with problems are scared that others will not understand. No one can or will help anyone because of our fear. This, I understand. I once saw a wonderful quote (as I’m sure many of you have), it said: “We do not put up walls to keep others out, but rather to see who cares enough to tear them down.” I believe it would be a lot easier if we didn’t build them in the first place, it would sure save everyone a lot of heartache and misery, but alas, that is not the way of things. Of course, others can (and do) tear through our walls, and still we build more. It tires people out to constantly fight, only to be faced with another challenge, but at the same time we develop character and strength through our struggle and journey. It is not often that we assist each other in these struggles though, and drop down a ladder. No, it is not often at all that we work together to build a wall to keep danger out and extend a hand to those wishing to come inside for safety and join us. It is in this one truth that I give you a ladder to climb my wall. The same ladder I would use to climb yours if you ever needed.

For those people who “geek-speak” and for those who have ever had a child and for those who have ever been born or re-born themselves and for those still looking for something, for anything in this reality that we share: “hello world”

There is nothing about me that is particularly disgusting, this fact I am proud of. I possess no destructive evils and no perverted senses. Beyond that, there are many things about me that are… unlikable. Like many, I have problems, and like many, I am scared that others will not understand. That is the category that I fall into. So, here I am, facing the only thing on this Earth that I fear… the truth. We are told to tell the truth, we are told to share and to have compassion. We are told to be honest and in turn to rely on the essential decency of others. To this end, we are told, is justice. To this end, we are told, is equality.

So, armed with hope as my weapon and desperation as my shield, I am ready to be honest. I have been ready to be honest for such a long time; I’ve even been honest with select individuals, to no avail. I suppose it is this difference that has crippled and spoiled my will. Here in the making mistakes do I lay and here in the redemption do I stand.

So I ask now, before I extend to you my innermost fears and my outermost consequence, would you help me if I asked? Would you honestly, really, truly help another person who is so ensnared and so weakened by their own inaction and their own fears that they have emboldened themselves to the point of total freedom and total honesty? Would you extend your hand to someone with both nothing and everything to lose? Would you listen to their problems?

So with this question, a paradox lay before you. I didn’t mean to drag you into this and I apologize for the utter inconvenience of its existence. This paradox being as follows: I trust you to stop reading now and to exercise honesty if you do not feel that you are of the proper character to be fair and compassionate and to help someone in need. The same honesty that some would condemn me for violating, I now seek to find if you have the will to exercise yourself. Honesty is honesty, in all shapes and sizes. In the face of temptation, trust and pure ethics, what follows is the honest account of my problems. By continuing to read this, you exercise to me that you are concerned of these things in such a way that is open-minded, curious, with respect and of sincerity. It is only to others of these qualities would I share such deep concerns and memories. I suppose that those of you who would not respect this request would read-on at your own leisure, only taking in what you choose and without regard to the sincerity involved. This paragraph is not intended as some type of legal qualifier, but rather as a statement to show the duality of honesty and its curious effect on our decisions. I can’t force you to be open-minded, the same as you cannot force me to be honest. I can only hope that you will be, the same as you can only hope that I will be. That is, if you hope at all.

With that, I will say that you are my friend. If you are reading still, you must be a friend. Without digging down to the heart of semantics, I can ask the question “What makes a friend?”

To mind rush words like trust and loyalty, they fit quite well together with friendship. During the course of this I hope to gain your trust. You obviously already have mine. Although, you may not even want to be my friend… if so, I respect that and wish you well. For the person reading still… thank you and I’m sorry.

I am sorry. That is my official and sincere apology. There is nothing in the world I could say with more emphasis and truth than that. I am not sorry out of consequence, nor out of fear, but out of true and honest remorse. I am only human.

I wish that I could add pounds of levity to my ounce of integrity and say such a silly thing as (to quote Hunter S. Thompson): “The only chance now, I felt, was the possibility that we’d gone to such excess that nobody in the position to bring the hammer down on us could possibility believe it.”

I could wish that my tale, too, could unfold itself in such a way that it may be regarded as entertainment, genius and forgivable due to those opinions, and thus granted leniency, rather than as reality and therefore subject to consequence. As sure as I am that I wish this, I am sure that this is not the way of things. What is left of a man once he has lost himself? And what is to become of him once he has found himself again and must stand in the face of his indiscretions in shame and submittal?

So, my friend, do you care to know my problems? They are both imminent and prolonged, with velocity and bite. I cannot fix them on my own, my time to fix them is growing smaller and the consequence of them is more than I will be able to bear. So I will ask again, do you care to know? Do you care to help?

I have been racking my brain, searching for a way to present my situation in a way that displays its inevitability, seriousness and need for urgent attention without sensationalizing my circumstance, and to do so in such a way that it does not negate or minimize the importance and validity of others’ problems and situations. I am in a situation where consequence is unavoidable. This message is my last resort, as I have yet to find any other solution than explaining myself and hoping for the best. Here we are again, back at hope. Please listen to me, no one ever has. Please trust me, no one ever has. Will you help me? Please.

I have found that sometimes to help someone you simply need to do nothing at all. Ironic. My situation is very privy to this solution, at least if it were implemented by some parties. From others, I need much assistance. I am sorry to be a burden, but I cannot bear this alone any longer.

I believe that sometimes the smallest stone can create the largest ripple, when cast hard enough into the water. I suppose that I am looking for willingness, so that if I find a part that you can play, that I may ask it of you. I am not weak, but I am weakened. I do not want to run away. I do not want to hide. I just want an honest chance.

I believe that to help someone, you must do what they need, not necessarily what they want. However, sometimes what they want is what they need. However, if we are misguided in our attempt and do not fully understand the elements surrounding a situation, we may misinterpret what a person needs. This misinterpretation will, more often than not, do more harm than good. I know what I need. More importantly than that, I know what I do not need. After I am finished with this message, no one can say that I have not been honest. They may only say that they have chosen not to hear my truth.

I am alive.

Everyone has problems, apologize to yourself first and you will then find the strength to apologize to others. Now, stop worrying, get over your pretend issues, stop feeling sorry for yourself and expecting others to fix your problems.

If you feel like no one is listening and you are alone, think about what a famous individual said about spending a considerable amount of time in solitary confinement: “What’s the problem? All I’ve got to talk to is the most intelligent person I know!”


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